Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Why Can't I Stay Out of Trouble

I have wanted to blog for days, but with no internet connection it has been difficult. It's lovely to be back and I thank everyone who has taken the time to stop in and share these tidbits with me. I have especially enjoyed visiting your blogs.

With all that being said if I had been writing, it would have gone something like, ouch! ouch! please, I'm sorry, okay, I won't do that again. Damn! I did it again, ouch! ouch! please. That has been my holiday cheer. Okay, not completely, Christmas morning was very nice, but I was sitting on a very red behind.

I don't know if its been the stress of the holidays or my mode of self improvement mixed with a healthy dose of Alpha coming out, but communicating has been increasing more difficult between J and I . I feel mentally on top and that means I become a bit more sarcastic and that never bodes well for my derriere. With J getting more serious about consistency and figuring out that sit spots hurt for days longer than others I have been stuck between; I knew I deserved that, to that wasn't fair, to I know I can stay out of trouble for just another day! How hard can it be?....walking to the dinner table with my pillow for my seat. I'm not kidding. It is ridiculously funny as I envision the effort it took to sit, I have to laugh that uncomfortable laugh.

I'm out here in a fairly populated city, but my life and friends are in the North. Although I have a foundation of happiness that I am extremely grateful for with my husband I also have this huge void of that good old fashion girl friend time. I have lots of people around all the time and I work with almost all women, but I haven't really made any friends while in my new state. And I feel a desire to share with my best friend about mine and J's life style. Anyone care to share how they, if they, have shared their DD lifestyle with their Vanilla friends?

Well that's all for now. I have to go off to my domestic goddess duties of the day so that I can get back to my favorite website, which is as of right now, Pintrest!


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

A Little Me Time

I’ve not had internet at home for over a week now, it seems. Talk about inconvenient! I’m all excited to join the blogging world and down goes the internet. I suppose I could look on the bright side and say that it has given me a few days to live, grow, laugh, cry which equals, something to write about.

That brings me to Cape Girardeau, Missouri. I am sitting in a hotel room by myself.  That’s right all by myself, no husband, not one of the three boys, two sugar babies, one dog or two cats, just me and what is left of my sanity. I have taken myself to a movie, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, very emotional. Back up, I should share that I have this wonderful privilege because its time to share the kiddos with their real Dad.  I was asked by Hubby if I wanted to stay the night before I dropped the boys off or by myself. Of course I answered, by myself. So, here I am! Ahhhh! I feel like I can breath and at the same time trying to figure out just  how I am going to spend these few short hours of my total and complete alone time, silent time, freedom to watch, eat, or go where I please time.

Go to movies and eat popcorn – check
Go to mall and have my nails done – maybe, I bought a color I just need help with my cuticles.
Go to Panera Bread for dinner and bring back to enjoy a show of my choice – We don’t have a Panera Bread in my town or much time to watch TV much less of my choice.

Humm- could do some yoga, brought the mat
              Could do some energy work, meditation
               I could take the longest hot shower ever! Heehee
               Plan my New Year’s goals
Too many things I could do with no distractions, UGH!

Of course I do have to leave in the morning and because I have a spanking waiting for me, that I talked my way out of at 2:30am this morning, I think I should be as free as I can possibly be. Silly I know, since its going to hurt regardless of how much fun I could have today, but it sounds like an awfully good way to think at the moment.

How did I earn a discipline so early in the morning? Ironic actually, I was just bragging to Hubby about how I hadn’t said GD since my first spanking over the issue and what do I go and do? Blurt out in a most despicable tone “GD! ****” Hubby flew out of our bed grabbed the paddle so quickly I think my heart stopped. I really was sorry and begged to  have things taken care of when I got home and he agreed. Whew! If he had spanked me right then, still angry, I know the first few hours of my six hours plus of driving would have been not comfy. I am doubly thankful that Hubby is perceptive and could hear that I really felt badly, which lowered the count to 15. If I plan right I might make it home just after he has left and it will postpone the inevitable yet another day. Is that so wrong? I know I deserve this one, but I don’t want to run home for it either.

It is still early enough for me to take a shower and get the grime of the road and movie theater off of me and still go to the mall and eat. I hope everyone is having a wonderful time getting into the spirit of the season.  

Friday, December 16, 2011

I Came Home For Lunch

It’s not been easy for several weeks, between my husband and me. I could feel the tension and dissatisfaction emanate from him and I was dealing with my own dissatisfaction within our marriage as well as my inner personal dissatisfaction. I felt it was my responsibility to start communicating how I was feeling; husbands are not good mind readers. So,

I Came Home For Lunch….

I had an especially long lunch to take today and decided it would be a perfect time for Hubby and me to finally connect. As we sat and ate I started to share my feelings. UGH! This was not going well! Was it me? Was it him?  Whoever it was it got to a place of, Stop! We need to focus on what we want to accomplish and not nitpick at each others statements.

I am so very grateful that  my husband  doesn’t want to fight, he’s mature and will, in most cases, listen and refocus on what’s important.

Our conversation drifted from a defensive stance, from both of us, to the heart of what was going on. I shared my feelings regarding our financial situation as well as the DD part of our lives.

Regarding DD, I let him know that if it was too much of a strain on our marriage to take care of ttwd around the kids and life in general then we needed to change course. My reasons were; that I can’t handle the waiting for days for a discipline and when I do, it causes me to ride an emotional roller coaster. DD here today and gone the next is simply too hard for me emotionally. To make matters worse, my attitude takes a downward spiral and I begin to “brat”, so not like me!

He mentioned swearing and other things I do that make him sad. I admitted to him that I had not been honest regarding my needs and instead I had been going out of my way to get his attention with bad behavior.

When I mentioned us stopping DD a second time he responded with, “We can’t, you’re like the women I met when I spank you. Without, you’re not as vibrant”.  I couldn’t agree more! It also helps me stay connected and live with a healthier frame of mind.

When the conversation was over and we were feeling as if we had gotten somewhere, can you guess what he said? Let me help you out, “You need to move to the chaise, bend over, place your hands on the cushion and wait for me.”

I was shocked and asked, “Why?” Remember, I was only on a lunch break and I had to leave in less than 30 minutes.

He replied, “For bratting and swearing”

Reluctantly, I forced my feet to move my body from the kitchen to the chaise in the living room. This is one of the hardest parts for me, moving into position. There I stood, head down, hands on the chaise, one knee slightly bent. He spoke to me for a few moments and I dropped to my knees to lean on the chaise, when I was asked, “Did I say you could drop to your knees?”

“No, sir” I replied and I stood back up. I feel silly and awkward waiting like this.

He left, returned then asked if we had discussed everything and if we were okay. I answered, “Yes” then he pulled my pants down. My mind raced about how bad this was going to hurt. Then he paused.  I had to ask, “What are you doing?” He informed me that he was making sure the spanking from the other day hadn’t left bruises. Then I remembered that I had one more topic, of all times to remember! And so, looking face down at the cushion,  pants halfway down my legs and the first sting of the wooden spoon on my behind, I spoke up.

I have never been spanked with the wooden spoon bare bottomed. OMG! A much different sting and very unpleasant! We finished my topic in between swats and then he asked, “How many was that?” A question I hate! I can’t keep count, bent over, with a conversation taking place, while my brain is in total panic as to whether to make me breathe or not to breathe.

I was doing much better about standing still than usual. He only had to tell me to put my foot down twice. I didn’t fall to my knees and he didn’t have to hold me in position. The harsh sting of the spoon had tears spilling down my face in a few strokes and every muscle in my body was tense. In fact he only gave me 15, but it felt like more!! And I wasn’t allowed to rub afterward, this is new! 

When he was finished I was told to stay in position. There I stood bent over rear in the air and feeling very submissive. When he left the room I thought he would bring lotion to help my bottom recover, I was wrong! When he came back he simply pulled my pants back up and hugged me. Yikes, my bottom was warm and radiating heat.

When all was said and done it felt good to bury my body into his and have him hold me. It felt good knowing we were okay and back on track. Then he offered to let me nap for the last 15 minutes of my break. I took him up on his offer and I laid my head on his chest and closed my eyes for a few moments of rest. After the alarm went off I got up and walked to the bedroom to get my coat. He followed me, gave me another hug and said, “Now, I’m horny.” I smiled, giggled and headed to work. It was great to see his smile and hear his desire to be affectionate! I am only sorry that I took to bratting and not talking about what had been bothering me earlier. If I had, we might have avoided this bump.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I Don't Think He Really Understands

Yesterday morning he started my day off with a spanking. It greatly improved my day and my attitude. During the lecture I was informed that it was part one, to expect the second part that evening. It never happened. Not being an expert on the subject of DD I don't fully understand why I get so frustrated when he says he's going to discipline me and then doesn't, but it does! I know that because we have three boys from adulthood to first grade it makes finding privacy to do ttwd  nearly impossible, but I still get so frustrated at the impending that doesn't happen. I hate that it brings the brat out in me! Knowing full well that I should just come out right and ask for my spanking, but I can't bring myself to do it. It all feels so immature and makes me what to tell him to h*** with DD. 

Just venting! The evening isn't over I should be careful what I wish for.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Monday, really!@#

Things I love about Monday; waking up with my husband. Things not so fun about Monday; when husband spanks me moments before I leave for work, ouch. Then as I walk out the door and down the stairs my bag breaks and its contents spill all over. Humm,  why can't we just start the week with Tuesday?

To  make Monday even better, when I got mouthy with my husband this guessed it, into the bedroom he directed me and over the bed I went. Ugh! I was unhappy with his actions and I snapped a bit to harshly and was taken in hand swiftly.

Admittedly, this mornings discipline was a good thing, once I put myself back together. What I dislike most about morning spankings is the fact that I have my make-up on and I hate the idea of crying with my mascara on. On top of that, although this is probably good for me, its a quick hug and out the door I have to go. I am a dweller by nature and learning to move forward is a good lesson. More importantly, moving on knowing a situation is done and over with and that I am still loved. Wow! this life of mine is different from my past life. I prefer to have time to talk after and lay together, but with children and one night shifter and one day shifter we don't usually have that opportunity.

Over all I appreciate the fact that my husband took me in hand before my week got underway. I have a difficult time with "your getting a spanking this weekend" and days turn into weeks and my mood goes from bad to worse. And when the PMS monster is in full force the side of me that wants life to go smoothly is most appreciative to her man for helping adjust those nasty mood, even if it did mean the discomfort of a new, meaner implement on my backside.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

"It's Just Discipline", he said

"It's just discipline", he said.

During most conversations I find myself agreeing and then rethinking what has been said, this conversation was no different. Here we were on the bed reading the Learning Domestic Discipline Blog by Clint, reviewing beginning, intermediate, and advanced spankings when my husband says to me, "You put too much energy into this subject, it's just discipline."

At first I agreed, and supported this by remembering a thread written by someone who had met Clint and his wife. This person stated that their conversation surprisingly did not revolve around DD at all. I found this refreshing and a reminder of how small my life has gotten since I moved. I admit that I tend to fixate on subjects until I get my fill. In this case I am acutely aware that I have read to my hearts content on the subject of DD and have begun to reach out to other bloggers to expand my horizons. I am also aware that DD is not going away, by choice, another words, there is no "getting my fill", it has brought too many positives to our life.

I suppose, now would be a good time to give you some background. My husband and were married July 31, 2010, at this time we blended our family of my two children and his son. As amazing as this union has been it has also come with it's reality of my mental ups and downs. The stress of moving from the Mid-West to the South and being unemployed for more than 8 months did not help. It's this stress that led me to seek out methods to keep me and my marriage healthy. We're talking about depression here, it comes and it goes, even with medication, and with an alpha personality well, let's just say I can make life challenging for myself and those I love. Deciding to bring DD into our union less than a year after we married seemed like a natural choice. I do not like being spanked or pain, but mysteriously, I do find the hours, days afterward very rewarding. I feel calmer, ordered, and motivated in away that makes me feel productive and even loving and connected to my husband when otherwise I wouldn't. Moods can be a horrible affliction when they swing. I am also ecstatic how a spanking relieves me of a sort of guilt that I, in the past, would carry with me that would slowly become destructive to my relationships.

My husband was raised with a firm hand and in turn has taken quite naturally to being the head of our house. Me, I was not raised so firmly and the more I explore discipline the more I have realized how little I really knew about it, for me or my children. I am an ex-Montessori teacher and very much a peace, love and harmony, without physical discipline, kind of person, but as this journey has progressed I have learned the benefits of the physical connection of discipline and the psyche.

So, am I fixated? Yes and no. I think as with anything new it takes communication, and in my eyes knowledge is power. I also find it challenging to communicate with my husband at times because I feel, he becomes defensive, as if I am telling him he is doing something wrong when, in reality, I am trying to adjust something that makes me uncomfortable. Fixation on this topic may also come from the fact that I still feel a little insecure about the practice of spanking in an adult relationship. In the beginning, I was concerned that it was a kink, or that something was very different about me, wrong with me. As I read more and reach out to the DD community I am learning to accept that our choice of a DD lifestyle is not so uncommon and more to the point comes with some growing pains.

Thank you to all my fellow bloggers who have taken the time to share your stories! It has made a world of difference to mine. I hope that as I record our growing pains and joys that I too will be a positive contributor to our community!


Friday, December 9, 2011

It's not all about me...

I have been frustrated for the last week. My HOH has not taken me in hand even after we talked about how much better I feel and behave. Then tonight he tells me that he feels distant from everything. At first I am relieved because now I know that it's not just because I haven't had my DD to reconnect us.I feel hurt because I know he's not sharing with me and I should be his rock. He won't let me in because he doesn't want to stress me, because that tends to lead to, in his eyes, negative behaviors.   I started to argue that maybe that was exactly what I was craving, the desire to be needed, to be strong. Anyone ever feel this way?

As I sat and listened and kept pushing back the thoughts that I wanted to share, "why haven't you spanked me! Grr!" I realized, this week wasn't about me, but about being here for him. I am so glad that I kept my evil, needy, self exactly where it needed to be, quiet!

I hope as he left for work he could feel the love that I have for him and how I pray the stress and exhaustion will subside soon.