Friday, June 29, 2012

A Blessing and a Curse

It’s a blessing and a curse to have a man who can fix anything as well as make anything. You see for the last couple of days J has been saying he was going to make a paddle. Our last one got broken, hum, wonder how that could have happened. J says I need a little therapy because he can tell that I have been disconnected from him. The days have been long, with home renovations, and the South has been as hot as Hades, not to mention I have been subconsciously brewing a stew of nerves over how this impending interview will go; will I get the job, will we have to move, will we have the money. Plus plan for the boys return; will they be happy to be home, will they be happy to stay, will blending back together after they have been with their Dad for a month go smoothly. Too much stress on top of generally not feeling well physically. A + B= Distance which equals a good spanking with lots of loving reassurance that all will be well. <Music playing in the background of the impending doom on my derriere>

J was already awake when I woke this morning. When I began to move he snuggled right up to me and did that thing he does where he puts his arm around my waist and then he gently cups my breast. This morning I was  feeling stand offish and he picked up on it quickly, but let it go. As we chatted he said something that hurt my feelings and so I got up and headed to the shower. Mind you I didn’t leave in a huff, I had a scheduled massage at 9:30 and the morning was getting away from us. When I got back into the room there J stood asking me what was wrong. Grrr! Aversion tactics needed! “So dear, what are you going to do while I am gone?” Damn! Didn’t work! He quickly asked if I was avoiding his question and I responded with, “Why no, J” that sealed it he retorted “Over the bed”

I couldn’t believe this was happening. I was leaving for a massage in less than a few minutes. He was relentless and my powers of persuasion were not working. Practically pouting I walked around the bed and he pulled down my panties…everything inside me was protesting. I braced myself and  pop! the sting, again and again. I heard myself let out an “ouch!” and then all of a sudden I burst out in laughter. Oh! Crap! Not again!!! He asked me if I was laughing and I said, of course, “No”. He didn’t fall for that and held me extra tight and worked mercilessly to relieve me of my funny bone. I am broken! It is so extremely wrong to break out in uncontrollable laughter while your behind is naked in the air while hubby is trying to drive a point home. Especially, when it hurts like the dickens!

I was more than warm by the time he was done with me and now I was worried about meeting my new massage therapist. A good look in the mirror and the heat radiating off me had me praying that we would start the session off on my back. While all these stray thoughts were going through my head J pipes up and says that he was making a paddle today. Great! Nothing like breaking the funny bone with a paddle!

Hug, hug, kiss, kiss and out the door me and my red hot bottom went. I managed to be right on time for my appointment, but to my dismay she told me that we would be starting out with me on my tummy. My brain had to tell my body to relax and I willed my derriere not to be bright red, is that possible? Although I felt extremely exposed, since we worked on my hips, I never got the feeling that she found a hand print staring up at her when she uncovered my hip. Whew! That would have been a fun conversation. Yeah, I am an earthy, bohemian sort of gal with a mix of traditional “DD” values at home.

Will share later if a paddle indeed gets made today or if my powers of persuasion are re-energized and convincing that a connection has been made now that I have had a massage and feel relaxed. One can only hope!

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Back in the Saddle

In my last post I shared that J and I had been going through a lot, that was an under statement. A little background: We live in the South and for the past two plus years it’s been pretty hard for me to stay on top of my mood. It’s this problem that led us to DD in the first place. One of the biggest catalysts for this consistent mood/depression is the fact that I moved my two youngest from A+ schools to a failing school district under the threat of the government coming into help. I am, as my brother reminded me, 90% Mom.  Being a home birthing, breastfeeding, wish I could home school kinda mama and then single for four years will do that to a girl. This being the case I had been putting a lot of pressure on J to put in for a transfer to anywhere other than the Deep South. Well, he did just that last month. Without getting into all the gory details let’s just say that that we were ill prepared for a move of this magnitude.  Of course we couldn't have figured this out early on say, before we moved over half our home to a storage unit nearly five hours northeast of our Southern home. The fist week after the contract was signed we were going along pretty good. The second week J was showing signs of distress. By the third week we were in complete meltdown mode and had to do something drastic. During this time amazingly I stopped being depressed and became the stronger of the two of us. In my life before J I moved a lot and this move was making me very happy, civilization here we come. LOL! This experience had brought back the old me, the one who is strong, take charge, and capable of making great contributions to her family. I hadn't seen that side of myself in a long time. Long story short, J and I had reversed roles for a few weeks and that left me with a great feeling of empowerment.

 After we decided we had bitten off more than we could chew we pulled the contract. Now it was time to repair the damage that the stress had done. Our home now had two Alpha’s in it and J and I were feeling very divided. I just couldn’t seem to reconnect with J no matter how I tried. Great Sex didn’t do it, being on top of the house didn’t do it, and continuing to take the reigns certainly didn’t help us. I was grateful to hear my husbands spirit rise again in his voice and his energy levels return to normal, but we were now left with sorting out the lessons we had learned from this experience. Lesson one: I am strong and have a great deal to contribute to this relationship and life. Lesson two: We needed to redefine what equality looked like on a daily basis and how to function more as a cohesive team. Just to mention a couple.

Over the past couple of years we had established that he, as the HOH, would make a majority of the decisions financially and otherwise. Of course I spoke up when I felt it was really important, but being depressed regularly that didn’t happen very often. Not a lot of teamwork was really needed anyway, not the kind we needed in the last few weeks. I had been the heart of the house and working my forty hours plus a week. J was the primary bread winner and made sure we stayed a-float and in the middle we lived a somewhat stress free life. I am glad I am back on my feet and hope to stay here, but this means that J and I need to figure out how to restructure our relationship so that we are better able to blend our strengths. With all this discussion going on between the two of us I stopped feeling a need for DD and the way things were going it didn’t seem as if we were going to need it. Unfortunately as this last week has pasted I was still struggling to deal with ebbs and flows of J’s emotions which has kept me on guard and made it hard for me to connect with him. We talked and talked and DD was never brought up or crossed my mind and then after a huge screaming match, something we don’t due often, he made the proclamation that he was taking his house back. My inner goddess pouted. My not so inner goddesses wheels began to turn to figure out how he was going to do this and still leave this new found strength of mine in tact. The days past and we rubbed each other a little, but nothing to major. J started to drop a hint here and there that he would be taking care of my attitude or mood. I didn’t pay to much attention after all I was feeling as if I was in the right…..then it happened I crossed the line. My stress levels of not being employed had reached a crescendo. Oh yah, I forgot to mention that because this deal was signed and things were moving right along I resigned from my job. A good stable not going anywhere kind of position. J told me not to stress and just “”Be Still. Be still I screamed in my head! I began to spiral and J decided it was time to bring me back into balance.

Very sternly, but kindly he let me know that a session was coming and yesterday it did. He came in from the night shift to find me still in bed. He crawled in next to me, put his arm around me, told me he loved me, and we just snuggled and talked. This felt so very nice and it seemed like we hadn’t done this in so long that one thing began to lead to the next and then he asked if I wanted to make love now or after my spanking. Did you hear the screaming breaks? I just did! My mood shifted and I opted for my spanking. It is amazing how quickly gears can change and the business side of my man can come out. He asked me to take off my clothes and explained why this was about to happen and that he was going to use both the belt and the switch. With a deep inhale and full exhale I pulled my night clothes off and moved my heavy legs off onto the floor and leaned over the bed and tried to prepare for the impending assault on my derriere.

J came around the bed and shared with me that he was going to give me a good warm up. A moment later down came the first swat of his hand on my backside and that familiar feeling of all my muscles tightening and rejecting what was happening rushed back to me. And he continued until he got to 30 and asked if I was ready for the belt. I responded honestly with a respectful, “No Sir”. But I could hear the jingle of the buckle anyway and I closed my eyes, strangled the bed covers between my fingers, and before another mental action could take place the sting arrived. He spoke to me of love and respect and I counted and tried to refrain from fleeing or guarding myself with my hand. Then as the repetition of swats neared the end the tears streamed down my face. He paused, rubbed my bottom gently, and reminded me how much he loved me. I relaxed and let my muscles release as I sobbed with relief. Then I felt him stand back up and his hand moved to the small of my back, again I stiffened, grabbed the covers and then the bite of switch came across my skin like a whip. I knew there were going to be 17 strikes, but by ten I was a puddle and he paused and consoled me while I remained in position. As I cried I was relieve he stopped and thought we were done, but within moments he was back on his feet to deliver the last seven.

I cried face down for a few moments and J rubbed my back and spoke lovingly to me. As what had just happened passed I could feel “it” happening. The walls had melted and I could feel the love J had for me. The stress poured out of me in the form of tears and then the desire for him to touch me and love me in that familiar traditional way of two bodies desiring to be one overwhelmed me. And we closed this crazy chapter of our story entangled in each other.

The next chapter promises to have a renewed sense of order with a sprinkle of self discovery.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

A Laughing Matter...Really?

I know that is has been forever, but I am back to give this a go again and share an event that happened between J and me. I am hoping I will hear responses along the lines of: Yes, crazy but it happens.

J and I have been going through a lot lately, so much so that DD has been off the list of priorities for a while. I  have been okay with this because, as of late, I have felt strong and on top of things.  I kid you not it has been over a month and I haven't even worried about getting told to lean over the bed. Honestly, I can't remember what prompted my husband to decide it was time to take back the reigns, but he did. Well, , I would have to guess that it was my snarky humor and my attitude, humm it gets me every time! Seems I get this way when I am feeling good and when this happens dear ol' Hubby likes to remind me when I have crossed the line.

So, we will say it was my mouth that got me in trouble. I was told to go to the room and get into position. I did as I was asked. He met me in the bedroom and began the warm-up. I hate spankings in all forms particularly under the guise of a warm up, Ouch! When he was done with his 20 warm up swats he went for the paddle. He began and I yelped and he asked if I was complaining, best response to this question is to lie and say, "No Sir", and I did just that. He continued and I stayed as still as I could and didn't complain anymore then he asked the one question that I absolutely cannot stand, "How many is that?". A couple things came to mind, "Ah, was I really suppose to be counting? and "Who the heck can count when their getting their arse tanned?!. Then I belted out, "21". I knew it was suppose to be 20 and I put my hand back and earned an extra so it seemed like a safe answer and honestly it felt like 21.  Hubby says, "Nice try" and I bust out laughing and then he was laughing. I thought I was in the clear, laughter is good right? Wrong! After he took a deep breath the conversation went along the lines of him telling me to bend over the bed again only this time his arm came across my waist and in no time there were no more giggles for yours truly. I counted and loudly  and he thought that was funny. When he was done with me not a hint of a giggle was left in me and my rear was nicely red to prove it. I almost forgot to mention that our brand new beautiful curly maple paddle got broken in the process. 

I learned my lesson, but I still have to wonder where in the world those spontaneous giggles come from and hope that they only happen again some place other than during discipline.