Friday, July 20, 2012

Smoking Gun

In my last entry I mentioned that I had written J a letter. In that letter I had brought up two major issues:

  1. My need for him to help me get into a routine that I seem to lack to motivation to do for myself.
  2. That there are some issues with the way discipline has been conducted.

I explained to J that I knew there were some personal improvements that I needed to work on that needed my attention, but that I couldn’t seem to commit to for myself. I asked him if he would help with these things for the next month until I got back on my feet.

To my surprise he told me that he had intentions of bringing some of my concerns up when he got back from his trip.

Whew! That part went well.

The second issue I brought up was some problems I was having with our discipline sessions. I haven’t been disciplined a lot lately, but the times that I have, I’ve felt as if in order for him to get to a place in his head he has had to be angry. There has been no warm up and it happens all so quickly that I have a severe fight or flight reaction. Since this has happened I noticed that I fight the discipline and have even stood my ground and said, “No, I won’t allow you to spank me out of anger.”

You can imagine how well that goes over. Needless to say, staying still, keeping my hands out of the way, and feeling connected after has been difficult. I went back to LDD site and came back with some suggestions.

  1. Please help me get into a submissive place by giving me just a couple minutes to prepare for what’s to come and for you to calm down. Vs. Honey come here for a moment….bend over the bed….whack! whack! Wack!
  2. I need direct commands. If I put my hands back or stand up I need short concise commands with and incentive. Vs. I’m going to count to three and add 5 more.
  3. And a warm up would be nice

I explained that I believed if we worked on these things that he wouldn’t have to fight me, equaling him not having to hold me down, and me feeling more connected to him when it was all over. After all this is something we do because we love each other it’s not suppose to make me fear or resent him.

Wow! He agreed to this to. I was amazed that he was so positive and that we were communicating with each other and not at each other. With these responses I was really looking forward to him coming home.

*Do you hear the horror music playing in the background*

J got off the plane and we hugged and we were happy to see each other. We went home and he gushed about his trip and I listened. Then he wanted to snuggle and as he gazed down into my eyes he asked, “Have you been smoking?”

My instincts answered before I could stop myself, “Not on my life!”

You see my friends, smoking is a NO! NO! with a punishment up to and including Divorce. Seems harsh, but he has made it clear that smoking is a deal breaker. I’ve known this and have slipped twice in the past two years with consequences.

When I met J I had stopped smoking and believed that I would never go back. During the time we dated there was a hiccup and I put them back down again. During the latter part of our first year I started to decline pretty hard and broke down had one, confessed, paid the piper and promised it would never happen again. Back in March, I think, I was visiting family and we had a few to many drinks and I began to crave and I gave in, bad choice. This time there was a major meltdown between us both and it didn’t involve discipline, he was ready to leave.

We talked about addiction and devised a plan in the event we were ever in the same situation. Honestly, things never quite went back to the way they were. I had broken his trust and I became acutely aware of how fragile my relationship was. Most of the time I think we both kept all this in the back of our heads, but with the stress of moving, not moving, kids and schools, and me being out of work, well you can see how that could disconnect two people….now add that I started smoking again last month.

If there is anything I am not it is a liar. I am a brutally honest person to a fault, but I was so afraid that J would really leave me asking for help didn’t seem like an option. Our relationship is so good, I mean we have normal ups and downs, but nothing else that would tear us apart and this was killing me. With all that aside the truth was out, he could smell it on my breath and things took a turn for the worse. I was petrified, but braced for what he said would happen in the event I ever slipped up again.

I won’t go into details of what this spanking was like except to say that it was the most severe spanking I have received to date. He did give me a warm up and he did give me breaks with my nose on the wall, but he didn’t stop until he knew an impression had been made. The impression is still visible. I don’t normally bruise, but I did this time and sadly I just started being able to sit comfortably yesterday evening.

How are we now? It’s taken over 24 hours for me to pull myself back together, but J never stopped telling me he wasn’t going anywhere. He has been insistent that I talk to him and not withdraw from him. I’ve cried a lot and felt badly enough that a call was put into my doctor, it’s upsetting, but they both agree that I should go back on my antidepressants.  I still didn’t answer the how are we question did I? We are going to be okay. J doesn’t let much time lapse before he touches me and tells me he loves me. He has been compassionate about knowing that I don’t want to have this depression issue, but hasn’t implied that I am weak. And he has said over and over that he feels badly about the bruises and doesn’t ever want to go through that again. I think we’ve both learned that when DD stops working its time for more help that a spanking can offer.

I know this was candid and probably not a lot of fun to read, but hopefully in a couple weeks we will be back to a more normal place and my humor will return.

Thanks for taking the time to stop by I appreciate having an outlet for days like these.

To all you that took the time to ready Mommy Days, thank you!! I wasn’t sure if anyone would be interested in my Mom side, but have been pleasantly surprised. Your comments have been awesome and have encouraged me to continue to blog.

Mommy Days Coming to a Close

Tuesday, July 17, 2012
I’ve got my coffee and my favorite spot at the park. This new little nook is beautiful. I have a view of the whole lake and a bench in the shade just far enough off the beaten path not to be bothered by my fellow park goers. The breeze is tickling the leaves and rippling the lake just enough that I can still see the turtles pushing their heads out of the water for a quick gulp of air. And this is how I’m wrapping up my mommy days.

As much as I have missed J I have also enjoyed the simple pleasure of just being a mom and the opportunity to have the quiet to do some soul searching.

The kids and I have loaded the bikes up daily and rode around the park, amazing! We’ve even headed for an open field with a Frisbee in hand and practiced our long lost skill of putting that funny little disc where we wanted it. Of course the boys had a blast making fun of each others lack of ability and I spent time telling them that it was too far off and they had to retrieve their tossed disc. In the moments between them directing the Frisbee my way I discovered I could still do a cartwheel. Yah, this 40 year old lady isn’t so decrepit. LOL! Then my youngest decided he could do it to. We were a regular circus act in our own fun little pocket of the park.

Our evenings have been filled with good cooking, so I think, and family movies.

This morning was the best, all of us just sitting around telling tales of days gone by and joking around.  My middle child was engaged in a way that I don’t have the pleasure of seeing often. Teenage years, ugh! With that being said I was happy to have us reminiscing over the moments that he treasured.

My 7 year old is just fun to engage in conversation with because of his innocent view of the world. He is funny and opinionated all in one package. Just the other day I was trying to get him to read and he didn’t want to hear it so he put his fingers in his ears.

Okay, remember when I said that I try to parent from the positive, well let’s just say I don’t always succeed and I could in that moment feel the over baring mom coming to the surface when I stopped and said, “Uh, oh! Looks like you’re grounded until you decide to read.” He tossed the bean bag and stomped away. Then I really had to restrain the ugly and said, “That was a bad choice now you are grounded and you still have to read, now go to your room.”

You would have thought the attitude for the day was decided, but in fact it went just the opposite. We all ended up with no electronics and played, drew, and enjoyed each other like simple people. At the end of the day he remarked that it was the best day ever! It’s funny how the things we fear, like our kids hating us for being the parent, can turn into an affirmation that we’re not doing such a bad job after all.

I’ve been happy with my days, but not with my new sleeping habits, in bed by 2am and up by 9:30. There are days that I am more than grateful J hasn’t imposed rules regarding my night owl hours. I’m sure it will change when he comes home. It’s been difficult for me to pick a schedule because I don’t know if I am going to be going back to work or if I will do the stay at home / home schooling mom thing. I suppose I have kind of thrown caution to the wind and done what comes naturally as opposed to a planned attack on the day. With that being said while J has been gone I have taken the time to do some personal reflection and yesterday I took the time to send J a letter containing what I realized. In the past when I have done this I have gotten pretty negative reactions, but to my surprise J was his loving accepting self.

Must cut this short his plane has landed!

Saturday, July 14, 2012

A Beautiful Day at the Park x3

4:15am    alarm goes off. J says, "snuggle up to me I have five more minutes"

4:20am    alarm goes off again. Up and Adam, gotta get ready to take J to the airport.

5:10am    Bags loaded and I am in the drivers seat and off we go.

5:30am    We arrive, check in and sit and wait/chat

5:50am     I hug J good bye at security and head for the door, but first take a look over my shoulder to see him in line.

A park in St. Louis where we met

5:52am    In my car on the way to the park to type and email to a friend (that I never sent, sigh)

7:00 am   Home to find my 13 year old up and playing video games

This is really my baby

7:15am    Whisper sweetly into my 7 yr olds ear, "You wanna get up and go for a bike ride in the park."
                 Eyes closed, sweet smile, slow nod saying yes, I leave he room.

7:30am    Still no site of 7 yr old. Start to research "how to buy a bike" thank you YouTube!

8:15am     Research completed, bike located and priced, extremely anxious to get the day started. 

8:30am    Talked 13yr  in to accompanying me to return/ purchase new bike

*****Almost 10 am by the time we returned home and figured lunch would be good since I was determined to do an outdoor activity with the boys. We ate BLT's with avocado and Cheetos. Lunch eaten so out the door we went. Yes! The breeze was blowing, both boys were happy to be out and on their bikes and I was in mommy heaven. We returned home a little after 1:30. I instructed the boys to take showers and that they could have their game time and I headed back to the park.****

I found a secluded place in the park where I could hear the water lap the shore, the breeze was just right, and the shade just enough and I began to read. I have been reading the 

The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian, when I have time. I was on chapter 13 HIS TRIALS and didn't stop reading until I got to chapter 17. As I recharged my batteries, connected to God, and read this book about the why's and how's to pray for my husband I felt more and more affirmed regarding our lifestyle choice. It's not a DD book, but it does make being submissive sacred, holy and without worry of being a doormat or losing ones self. 

The more I read the more proud of my husband I was for the faith that he carries so gracefully. I was also grateful to be reminded how to pray for him. Today I read quotes like, "If you want your husband to love you more, you need to love him more. It always works, especially if you're praying about it as well." & "If your schedule doesn't allow time to be with God and draw on His strength, then rework your priorities and make a new schedule. The old one is not working." (ch 16 p 128) 

I know these quotes may not strike a cord with you, but for me they instantly brought me back into focus. As I read I had stray thoughts about my children and my friends and then about what I was and wasn't doing to be a good partner. And without feeling bad or beating myself up I felt directed and energized. I try hard to parent from the positive, but often forget how to love my self into action from the positive a lot of time.

A butterfly we we're blessed and amazed to find attached to our hand rail. Of all places!

With my batteries recharged I took a deep breath, enjoyed the last look at the sparkling rippling water and headed back to the asphalt that lead to my car. At home I found happy clean kids, until of course I mentioned to my youngest that it was time to read his three books, but that's okay because I am Mom and I do it out of love and devotion.

I don't want to lead anyone to believe that I don't miss J, I do! At the same time I am the type of person who needs to recharge by herself and this trip of his gave me that. On my way home from the park all I wanted to do was send him an email of all the warm feelings I had for him and to tell him, "Okay, I miss you. Please come home now!" I look forward to his return on Tuesday.

12:30 am  Rambling completed. Whew! it has been a day.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Unconditional Love

It feels like forever since I have written an entry about J and I, but in reality it has only been a short time. I think about writing daily, but haven’t been able to find a single topic or how to put it into words. As I pondered this thought tonight I realized I wanted to write about my family, but mostly unconditional love.

I have been in limbo lately due to being unemployed and worried about where to put the kids in school. J and I have brainstormed some ideas, but are still waiting on a call that was suppose to come in this past Monday, but didn’t. I was told this coming Monday and I will know if there will be a position to even interview for. Not wanting to put all my eggs in one basket I called H.R. on the other side of town, but he is out until Monday of this coming week. What does this all equal? MELT DOWN!

I talked about how J has threatened to make a paddle, he never did. This equals a slippery slope of emotions and when you add those up with the, oh so, many other emotions I am having….well, we’ll get to that.

A little background:

I didn’t grow up with a lot of unconditional love. The opposite is actually more of what I grew up with, conditional love. I don’t say this for any other reason than to explain that my husband is the most unconditionally loving human being I have ever had in my life. I trust him, love him, am grateful for him, but when I get stressed to the point that I have been (the I don’t know what direction to go sort of stress) I pull away and not a little, a lot. It’s been going on for a couple of weeks now and he’s promised (threatened) to take care of ttwd, but time, kids, and  life have prevented it. When this has happened in the past I am fully aware that the rope has become too slack and it’s his strength I need to pull me back. As life would have it the rope just stayed slack and I have had a slow decline and have become so distant that I had cut our connection off completely. I never do this. I think I turned down physical affection from him maybe twice in the three years we’ve been married. I’ve not been able to communicate.

I have, on the other hand, gone into; get what’s on list done mode. I am the queen of make a list the night before in order to have some direction for the next morning. I’ve taken care of the kiddos. I have taken care of the house. I even managed to slip a walk at the park in, just the kids and me. But taking care of my relationship with J, I wasn’t doing such a good job.

Yesterday he had enough, or maybe it’s that “time” became available. I said something bull headed and rude to him in front of all three boys and was promptly asked to join him in the bedroom. He wasted no time telling me to bend over the bed for twenty.

This wasn’t going to happen without a fight and before I knew it we were saying awful things to each other and then, he stopped. He declared that he wasn’t going to get drawn into these kinds of arguments and apologized to me for what he had said. I, sadly, was not in a very receptive mood and accepted the apology, but wasn’t moving toward letting my guard down. When he came in for the hug I shrugged him away. And with that shrug he instructed me to lean over and reluctantly I did. He took his belt from the closet and I wrapped my arms around the pillow in front of me and accepted my twenty swats for my disrespect. When I stood up he went to give me a hug and I was still resistant so over I went again for five more. The hot tears kept running down my face and I waited for that feeling of release, but I had been in this place so long when I stood up the second time I  was  still hard so, when he asked me if I knew he loved me I responded, “I’m trying”. Again, over I went for five more. By the time I got up from these I wasn’t going to give “honest or wrong” answers. After all I had at that point ruined a pair of contacts and my bottom really hurt. Survival mode here I come.

Here came the man that knows me and my modes. I cried and cried and he asked me question after question and waited patiently until I started to get on board with the fact that he was there for me and we would find ourselves on the other side of this with each other. He held me, he waited for me, but mostly he didn’t let me go and hide inside my shell.

Unconditional love for me happened for me with my first born and again with my second son otherwise if it weren't for them I wouldn’t have a clue about true love.  I love J unconditionally with all my heart, but it still astonishes me when he loves me unconditionally back. I sometimes allow all the reasons he shouldn’t cloud my ability to accept his love, but it doesn’t stop him.

This was a long process that J wouldn’t let me escape and after some time I slowly softened and leaned into him. We snuggled together for a long time and he talked to me and I listened and tried to relax into being okay. After a bit he announced that he was going to get up and when he returned he wanted me to be in position and bare bottomed. I was astonished and asked why?!

He explained that he could tell that I still needed ttwd. My heart knew it was true, but really who wants to admit that? I didn’t fight him and was ready when he returned, I thought! He proceeded and I wasn’t ready! Normally, we go into discipline with a count, but this wasn’t disciple this was, “Help Saguaro find her way back from the dark side”. And he worked hard to help me. For the record I still feel sore today as proof of his efforts.

I am still not 100%, but I am at least able to hug him again without being completely closed off. I am grateful for this. He leaves on Friday for four days and I will run things and I will do just fine because I will have a “job” and that is when I feel in control and okay.

I almost forgot to mention that earlier this week he called me into the room and I flat out refused a spanking. He seemed too angry with me and his sugar (diabetes) was up and I was headed for trouble…as my dad used to say, “If you’re going to screw it up might as well make it worth it”. I don’t suggest following this advice unless you want to go from 20 to 80 swats in five swat increments. See he gave me to the count of three to accept my discipline, much deserved now that I am days away from the argument, and then added 5. Did I mention stubborn as the day is long sometimes. I asked him tonight if I had received my 80 yesterday and he smiled broadly at me and said, “No”.

Sorry, I know it’s been a long entry, but it’s been a long two weeks and I still have several more days and another discipline coming.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Lovely Blog Award

Renee Rose-Closet Girl
named me in her One Lovely Blog Award list.

Thank you very much for including me with all of these awesome writers!
 So these are the rules (should you choose to play along...)

The One Lovely Blog Rules of Acceptance

- Thank the person/people who nominated you and link back to them in your post.

- Share seven possibly unknown things about yourself.

- Nominate fifteen or so bloggers you admire.

- Contact the chosen bloggers to let them know and link back to them.

7 Possibly Unknown Things About Myself 

1. I love Vampire Movies

2. I am fascinated with way the human brain works 

3. I am sick every time I click the "Publish" button for fear that I have misspelled or made some embarrassing grammar error 

4. I love working out, but haven't lately

5. I am addicted to Pinterest

6. I wish I could organize people for a living, yet another addiction

7. I am an ex-smoker who misses it whenever life gets down right hard...oh, yah, that's what the paddle is slip ups for this girl.

Here are my most admired blogs : 

Renee Rose- Closet Girl

Shelter in the Storm

The Nature of Serenity

Knowing Your Roles

Rules to Love By

A Loves Z

Her Mischief Managed


Rogue's Awakening

Veiled Obsessions

C&e- Life in DD

Learning Domestic Discipline

I thank each and everyone of these writers and the many others that I wasn't able to list! 

You have made me laugh, helped me work "things" through, and most of all given me a 

place to  embrace my DD  lifestyle