Thursday, July 12, 2012

Unconditional Love

It feels like forever since I have written an entry about J and I, but in reality it has only been a short time. I think about writing daily, but haven’t been able to find a single topic or how to put it into words. As I pondered this thought tonight I realized I wanted to write about my family, but mostly unconditional love.

I have been in limbo lately due to being unemployed and worried about where to put the kids in school. J and I have brainstormed some ideas, but are still waiting on a call that was suppose to come in this past Monday, but didn’t. I was told this coming Monday and I will know if there will be a position to even interview for. Not wanting to put all my eggs in one basket I called H.R. on the other side of town, but he is out until Monday of this coming week. What does this all equal? MELT DOWN!

I talked about how J has threatened to make a paddle, he never did. This equals a slippery slope of emotions and when you add those up with the, oh so, many other emotions I am having….well, we’ll get to that.

A little background:

I didn’t grow up with a lot of unconditional love. The opposite is actually more of what I grew up with, conditional love. I don’t say this for any other reason than to explain that my husband is the most unconditionally loving human being I have ever had in my life. I trust him, love him, am grateful for him, but when I get stressed to the point that I have been (the I don’t know what direction to go sort of stress) I pull away and not a little, a lot. It’s been going on for a couple of weeks now and he’s promised (threatened) to take care of ttwd, but time, kids, and  life have prevented it. When this has happened in the past I am fully aware that the rope has become too slack and it’s his strength I need to pull me back. As life would have it the rope just stayed slack and I have had a slow decline and have become so distant that I had cut our connection off completely. I never do this. I think I turned down physical affection from him maybe twice in the three years we’ve been married. I’ve not been able to communicate.

I have, on the other hand, gone into; get what’s on list done mode. I am the queen of make a list the night before in order to have some direction for the next morning. I’ve taken care of the kiddos. I have taken care of the house. I even managed to slip a walk at the park in, just the kids and me. But taking care of my relationship with J, I wasn’t doing such a good job.

Yesterday he had enough, or maybe it’s that “time” became available. I said something bull headed and rude to him in front of all three boys and was promptly asked to join him in the bedroom. He wasted no time telling me to bend over the bed for twenty.

This wasn’t going to happen without a fight and before I knew it we were saying awful things to each other and then, he stopped. He declared that he wasn’t going to get drawn into these kinds of arguments and apologized to me for what he had said. I, sadly, was not in a very receptive mood and accepted the apology, but wasn’t moving toward letting my guard down. When he came in for the hug I shrugged him away. And with that shrug he instructed me to lean over and reluctantly I did. He took his belt from the closet and I wrapped my arms around the pillow in front of me and accepted my twenty swats for my disrespect. When I stood up he went to give me a hug and I was still resistant so over I went again for five more. The hot tears kept running down my face and I waited for that feeling of release, but I had been in this place so long when I stood up the second time I  was  still hard so, when he asked me if I knew he loved me I responded, “I’m trying”. Again, over I went for five more. By the time I got up from these I wasn’t going to give “honest or wrong” answers. After all I had at that point ruined a pair of contacts and my bottom really hurt. Survival mode here I come.

Here came the man that knows me and my modes. I cried and cried and he asked me question after question and waited patiently until I started to get on board with the fact that he was there for me and we would find ourselves on the other side of this with each other. He held me, he waited for me, but mostly he didn’t let me go and hide inside my shell.

Unconditional love for me happened for me with my first born and again with my second son otherwise if it weren't for them I wouldn’t have a clue about true love.  I love J unconditionally with all my heart, but it still astonishes me when he loves me unconditionally back. I sometimes allow all the reasons he shouldn’t cloud my ability to accept his love, but it doesn’t stop him.

This was a long process that J wouldn’t let me escape and after some time I slowly softened and leaned into him. We snuggled together for a long time and he talked to me and I listened and tried to relax into being okay. After a bit he announced that he was going to get up and when he returned he wanted me to be in position and bare bottomed. I was astonished and asked why?!

He explained that he could tell that I still needed ttwd. My heart knew it was true, but really who wants to admit that? I didn’t fight him and was ready when he returned, I thought! He proceeded and I wasn’t ready! Normally, we go into discipline with a count, but this wasn’t disciple this was, “Help Saguaro find her way back from the dark side”. And he worked hard to help me. For the record I still feel sore today as proof of his efforts.

I am still not 100%, but I am at least able to hug him again without being completely closed off. I am grateful for this. He leaves on Friday for four days and I will run things and I will do just fine because I will have a “job” and that is when I feel in control and okay.

I almost forgot to mention that earlier this week he called me into the room and I flat out refused a spanking. He seemed too angry with me and his sugar (diabetes) was up and I was headed for trouble…as my dad used to say, “If you’re going to screw it up might as well make it worth it”. I don’t suggest following this advice unless you want to go from 20 to 80 swats in five swat increments. See he gave me to the count of three to accept my discipline, much deserved now that I am days away from the argument, and then added 5. Did I mention stubborn as the day is long sometimes. I asked him tonight if I had received my 80 yesterday and he smiled broadly at me and said, “No”.

Sorry, I know it’s been a long entry, but it’s been a long two weeks and I still have several more days and another discipline coming.


  1. I grew up with conditional love too and am learning many of the same things that you are right now. I sometimes get overwhelmed at how much my husband loves me, even more so now that he doesn't have to "put up" with the distancing and hiding and has a way to bring me back to him.

    LOL, yes you are stubborn but something makes me think that J is up to the task.

    I don't know if it helps, but I now know a couple of women who even after years of Dd receive multiple days of discipline to help them get to their right "heart" place. Maybe sometimes it's just what we need.

    1. Susie I couldn't agree with you more about husbands not needing to "put up" with the distancing and hiding. I am grateful, even if not in the moment, that we discovered DD for this very reason.

      Thank you for your insight!

  2. I'm glad he was able to help you start to find your way out of the dark side. Best of luck with the job and school searches! My oldest starts school this fall and I am freaking out already. Where does the time go??

    1. Thank you for your encouragement! I know, they grow up so fast and when you want the very best you can offer them and life just won't line up it is hard. I guess all we can do is take a deep breath, put the next foot in front of the other and make sure they know we are there for them.

      Thanks again for taking the time to read this very long entry.

  3. I just want to add my encouragement to you. Those two above me (Susie and Tess) are both wise, thoughtful commenters so hard to follow either of them. Best of luck with the job search (that is stressful for sure) and school search. Your plate seems pretty full right now. Just sending good thoughts for strength and peace. Draw on what you know to be a good tool-TTWD--and it seems as you have:) Hugs.

    1. You are super sweet and I can't thank you enough!! *Hugs*

  4. I'm glad your husband helped you find your way out of the dark place. hugs!

  5. Thank you! I am grateful he's always got my back.