Smoking Gun

In my last entry I mentioned that I had written J a letter. In that letter I had brought up two major issues:

1. My need for him to help me get into a routine that I seem to lack to motivation to do for myself.
2. That there are some issues with the way discipline has been conducted.

I explained to J that I knew there were some personal improvements that I needed to work on that needed my attention, but that I couldn’t seem to commit to for myself. I asked him if he would help with these things for the next month until I got back on my feet.

To my surprise he told me that he had intentions of bringing some of my concerns up when he got back from his trip.

Whew! That part went well.

The second issue I brought up was some problems I was having with our discipline sessions. I haven’t been disciplined a lot lately, but the times that I have, I’ve felt as if in order for him to get to a place in his head he has had to be angry. There has been no warm up and it happens all so quickly that I have a severe fight or flight reaction. Since this has happened I noticed that I fight the discipline and have even stood my ground and said, “No, I won’t allow you to spank me out of anger.”

You can imagine how well that goes over. Needless to say, staying still, keeping my hands out of the way, and feeling connected after has been difficult. I went back to LDD site and came back with some suggestions.

1. Please help me get into a submissive place by giving me just a couple minutes to prepare for what’s to come and for you to calm down. Vs. Honey come here for a moment….bend over the bed….whack! whack! Wack!
2. I need direct commands. If I put my hands back or stand up I need short concise commands with and incentive. Vs. I’m going to count to three and add 5 more.
3. And a warm up would be nice

I explained that I believed if we worked on these things that he wouldn’t have to fight me, equaling him not having to hold me down, and me feeling more connected to him when it was all over. After all this is something we do because we love each other it’s not suppose to make me fear or resent him.

Wow! He agreed to this to. I was amazed that he was so positive and that we were communicating with each other and not at each other. With these responses I was really looking forward to him coming home.

*Do you hear the horror music playing in the background*

J got off the plane and we hugged and we were happy to see each other. We went home and he gushed about his trip and I listened. Then he wanted to snuggle and as he gazed down into my eyes he asked, “Have you been smoking?”

My instincts answered before I could stop myself, “Not on my life!”

You see my friends, smoking is a NO! NO! with a punishment up to and including Divorce. Seems harsh, but he has made it clear that smoking is a deal breaker. I’ve known this and have slipped twice in the past two years with consequences.

When I met J I had stopped smoking and believed that I would never go back. During the time we dated there was a hiccup and I put them back down again. During the latter part of our first year I started to decline pretty hard and broke down had one, confessed, paid the piper and promised it would never happen again. Back in March, I think, I was visiting family and we had a few to many drinks and I began to crave and I gave in, bad choice. This time there was a major meltdown between us both and it didn’t involve discipline, he was ready to leave.

We talked about addiction and devised a plan in the event we were ever in the same situation. Honestly, things never quite went back to the way they were. I had broken his trust and I became acutely aware of how fragile my relationship was. Most of the time I think we both kept all this in the back of our heads, but with the stress of moving, not moving, kids and schools, and me being out of work, well you can see how that could disconnect two people….now add that I started smoking again last month.

If there is anything I am not it is a liar. I am a brutally honest person to a fault, but I was so afraid that J would really leave me asking for help didn’t seem like an option. Our relationship is so good, I mean we have normal ups and downs, but nothing else that would tear us apart and this was killing me. With all that aside the truth was out, he could smell it on my breath and things took a turn for the worse. I was petrified, but braced for what he said would happen in the event I ever slipped up again.

I won’t go into details of what this spanking was like except to say that it was the most severe spanking I have received to date. He did give me a warm up and he did give me breaks with my nose on the wall, but he didn’t stop until he knew an impression had been made. The impression is still visible. I don’t normally bruise, but I did this time and sadly I just started being able to sit comfortably yesterday evening.

How are we now? It’s taken over 24 hours for me to pull myself back together, but J never stopped telling me he wasn’t going anywhere. He has been insistent that I talk to him and not withdraw from him. I’ve cried a lot and felt badly enough that a call was put into my doctor, it’s upsetting, but they both agree that I should go back on my antidepressants.  I still didn’t answer the how are we question did I? We are going to be okay. J doesn’t let much time lapse before he touches me and tells me he loves me. He has been compassionate about knowing that I don’t want to have this depression issue, but hasn’t implied that I am weak. And he has said over and over that he feels badly about the bruises and doesn’t ever want to go through that again. I think we’ve both learned that when DD stops working its time for more help that a spanking can offer.

I know this was candid and probably not a lot of fun to read, but hopefully in a couple weeks we will be back to a more normal place and my humor will return.

Thanks for taking the time to stop by I appreciate having an outlet for days like these.

To all you that took the time to ready Mommy Days, thank you!! I wasn’t sure if anyone would be interested in my Mom side, but have been pleasantly surprised. Your comments have been awesome and have encouraged me to continue to blog.