Tuesday, January 3, 2012

I Have Never Felt So Loved...

My Husband woke up, pulled me close, and wrapped his arms around my body. He asked me if I was okay. I nodded, no. He kept me close. I could feel his beard on my shoulder, his breath on my cheek, and his love in his words. As I was feeling this abundance of love flow from him I was having emotions of hurt from last night. The hurt was swirling around my brain, my muscles, and my thoughts. I had my feelings hurt by our middle child. All the while I was trying to be the adult by convincing myself to rising above, but it wasn’t happening.

I rolled over and placed my arm around him and buried my head into his naked chest. He told me it was okay to cry, to just let it out, but nothing. The emotions weren’t coming to the surface they were being crammed and he and I both know what that leads too. He asked me if I wanted him to make love to me or did I need help to cry. He held me as I let the words sink in, no hurry. I quietly answered him with acknowledgement that if I stay where I am emotionally today I knew that it would ruin the day. I added that I didn’t want a spanking, but I knew I needed it. He kissed me.

As he slipped out of bed, I rolled onto my stomach. He reached over and pulled my panties down with care. He placed his hand on my exposed back. I could feel my bottled emotions and feared what was about to happen would be for not. And then I felt the spoon on my bottom. He rested it on my naked bottom then caressed my skin with the spoon and in what seemed slow motion it left my skin and returned with a sting. I exhaled and placed my hand on my backside. He asked me to move my hand. This was not like any spanking he has ever given me. This spanking was full of a powerful love, a love I think I hold at a distance sometimes. Again, patiently he placed the wood on my body and then the caress and lastly the sting. My emotions were not surfacing and he repeated this act of love again, and again. Finally, I was able to let go.

The tears came from deep down. The spoon was replaced with a caressing hand and sweet whispers that it was okay.  He cooled my smarting bottom with lotion then we slipped back under the covers with my tissue in hand. He asked me why I was taking our middle child's spankings. He reminded me that he spanks me because he loves me and can see me getting stronger. I reacted confused, stronger? Really? He confirmed that I was not just seeing what he was seeing, but that I was beginning to stand up and holding him accountable. This was the first time in the last couple weeks that he shared his appreciation for my new found strength. This whole time I thought he was frustrated and angry with me, but in truth he was listening to me and sorting through what I was expressing. The tears slowed and I felt a little stronger.

As I am sharing this I feel strong enough to be the parent I need to be with love not hurt feelings. I am grateful beyond words for my Husbands love. The emotions aren’t bottled inside any longer they have been transformed into positive energy and I think I am ready to take on today.

Today we talk as a family about our goals for the New Year, I feel good knowing I will be able to do this with positive emotions backed with love and appreciation, not hurt, anger and sadness.

I’ve decided that I am not going to take a step back by sharing my previous days of spankings. I am going to stay focused on the future. I hope that means fewer spankings, but if I am spanked I know they will keep me focused on my goals and I will accept them, after the fact, with grace. As my Hubby likes to remind me, I just can’t stay out of trouble.

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  1. How sweet! I understand that bottling of emotion and needing to let go but not being able to. I too couldn't understand how a spanking could be so loving. Kinda wonderful isn't it.

  2. Aww, glad you are doing better. He sounds like a keeper :)