Back in the Saddle

In my last post I shared that J and I had been going through a lot, that was an under statement. A little background: We live in the South and for the past two plus years it’s been pretty hard for me to stay on top of my mood. It’s this problem that led us to DD in the first place. One of the biggest catalysts for this consistent mood/depression is the fact that I moved my two youngest from A+ schools to a failing school district under the threat of the government coming into help. I am, as my brother reminded me, 90% Mom.  Being a home birthing, breastfeeding, wish I could home school kinda mama and then single for four years will do that to a girl. This being the case I had been putting a lot of pressure on J to put in for a transfer to anywhere other than the Deep South. Well, he did just that last month. Without getting into all the gory details let’s just say that that we were ill prepared for a move of this magnitude.  Of course we couldn't have figured this out early on say, before we moved over half our home to a storage unit nearly five hours northeast of our Southern home. The fist week after the contract was signed we were going along pretty good. The second week J was showing signs of distress. By the third week we were in complete meltdown mode and had to do something drastic. During this time amazingly I stopped being depressed and became the stronger of the two of us. In my life before J I moved a lot and this move was making me very happy, civilization here we come. LOL! This experience had brought back the old me, the one who is strong, take charge, and capable of making great contributions to her family. I hadn't seen that side of myself in a long time. Long story short, J and I had reversed roles for a few weeks and that left me with a great feeling of empowerment.

 After we decided we had bitten off more than we could chew we pulled the contract. Now it was time to repair the damage that the stress had done. Our home now had two Alpha’s in it and J and I were feeling very divided. I just couldn’t seem to reconnect with J no matter how I tried. Great Sex didn’t do it, being on top of the house didn’t do it, and continuing to take the reigns certainly didn’t help us. I was grateful to hear my husbands spirit rise again in his voice and his energy levels return to normal, but we were now left with sorting out the lessons we had learned from this experience. Lesson one: I am strong and have a great deal to contribute to this relationship and life. Lesson two: We needed to redefine what equality looked like on a daily basis and how to function more as a cohesive team. Just to mention a couple.

Over the past couple of years we had established that he, as the HOH, would make a majority of the decisions financially and otherwise. Of course I spoke up when I felt it was really important, but being depressed regularly that didn’t happen very often. Not a lot of teamwork was really needed anyway, not the kind we needed in the last few weeks. I had been the heart of the house and working my forty hours plus a week. J was the primary bread winner and made sure we stayed a-float and in the middle we lived a somewhat stress free life. I am glad I am back on my feet and hope to stay here, but this means that J and I need to figure out how to restructure our relationship so that we are better able to blend our strengths. With all this discussion going on between the two of us I stopped feeling a need for DD and the way things were going it didn’t seem as if we were going to need it. Unfortunately as this last week has pasted I was still struggling to deal with ebbs and flows of J’s emotions which has kept me on guard and made it hard for me to connect with him. We talked and talked and DD was never brought up or crossed my mind and then after a huge screaming match, something we don’t due often, he made the proclamation that he was taking his house back. My inner goddess pouted. My not so inner goddesses wheels began to turn to figure out how he was going to do this and still leave this new found strength of mine in tact. The days past and we rubbed each other a little, but nothing to major. J started to drop a hint here and there that he would be taking care of my attitude or mood. I didn’t pay to much attention after all I was feeling as if I was in the right…..then it happened I crossed the line. My stress levels of not being employed had reached a crescendo. Oh yah, I forgot to mention that because this deal was signed and things were moving right along I resigned from my job. A good stable not going anywhere kind of position. J told me not to stress and just “”Be Still. Be still I screamed in my head! I began to spiral and J decided it was time to bring me back into balance.

Very sternly, but kindly he let me know that a session was coming and yesterday it did. He came in from the night shift to find me still in bed. He crawled in next to me, put his arm around me, told me he loved me, and we just snuggled and talked. This felt so very nice and it seemed like we hadn’t done this in so long that one thing began to lead to the next and then he asked if I wanted to make love now or after my spanking. Did you hear the screaming breaks? I just did! My mood shifted and I opted for my spanking. It is amazing how quickly gears can change and the business side of my man can come out. He asked me to take off my clothes and explained why this was about to happen and that he was going to use both the belt and the switch. With a deep inhale and full exhale I pulled my night clothes off and moved my heavy legs off onto the floor and leaned over the bed and tried to prepare for the impending assault on my derriere.

J came around the bed and shared with me that he was going to give me a good warm up. A moment later down came the first swat of his hand on my backside and that familiar feeling of all my muscles tightening and rejecting what was happening rushed back to me. And he continued until he got to 30 and asked if I was ready for the belt. I responded honestly with a respectful, “No Sir”. But I could hear the jingle of the buckle anyway and I closed my eyes, strangled the bed covers between my fingers, and before another mental action could take place the sting arrived. He spoke to me of love and respect and I counted and tried to refrain from fleeing or guarding myself with my hand. Then as the repetition of swats neared the end the tears streamed down my face. He paused, rubbed my bottom gently, and reminded me how much he loved me. I relaxed and let my muscles release as I sobbed with relief. Then I felt him stand back up and his hand moved to the small of my back, again I stiffened, grabbed the covers and then the bite of switch came across my skin like a whip. I knew there were going to be 17 strikes, but by ten I was a puddle and he paused and consoled me while I remained in position. As I cried I was relieve he stopped and thought we were done, but within moments he was back on his feet to deliver the last seven.

I cried face down for a few moments and J rubbed my back and spoke lovingly to me. As what had just happened passed I could feel “it” happening. The walls had melted and I could feel the love J had for me. The stress poured out of me in the form of tears and then the desire for him to touch me and love me in that familiar traditional way of two bodies desiring to be one overwhelmed me. And we closed this crazy chapter of our story entangled in each other.

The next chapter promises to have a renewed sense of order with a sprinkle of self discovery.