Back in the Saddle

In my last post I shared that J and I had been going through a lot, that was an under statement. A little background: We live in the South and for the past two plus years it’s been pretty hard for me to stay on top of my mood. It’s this problem that led us to DD in the first place. One of the biggest catalysts for this consistent mood/depression is the fact that I moved my two youngest from A+ schools to a failing school district under the threat of the government coming into help. I am, as my brother reminded me, 90% Mom.  Being a home birthing, breastfeeding, wish I could home school kinda mama and then single for four years will do that to a girl. This being the case I had been putting a lot of pressure on J to put in for a transfer to anywhere other than the Deep South. Well, he did just that last month. Without getting into all the gory details let’s just say that that we were ill prepared for a move of this magnitude.  Of course we couldn't have figured this out early on say, before we moved over half our home to a storage unit nearly five hours northeast of our Southern home. The fist week after the contract was signed we were going along pretty good. The second week J was showing signs of distress. By the third week we were in complete meltdown mode and had to do something drastic. During this time amazingly I stopped being depressed and became the stronger of the two of us. In my life before J I moved a lot and this move was making me very happy, civilization here we come. LOL! This experience had brought back the old me, the one who is strong, take charge, and capable of making great contributions to her family. I hadn't seen that side of myself in a long time. Long story short, J and I had reversed roles for a few weeks and that left me with a great feeling of empowerment.

 After we decided we had bitten off more than we could chew we pulled the contract. Now it was time to repair the damage that the stress had done. Our home now had two Alpha’s in it and J and I were feeling very divided. I just couldn’t seem to reconnect with J no matter how I tried. Great Sex didn’t do it, being on top of the house didn’t do it, and continuing to take the reigns certainly didn’t help us. I was grateful to hear my husbands spirit rise again in his voice and his energy levels return to normal, but we were now left with sorting out the lessons we had learned from this experience. Lesson one: I am strong and have a great deal to contribute to this relationship and life. Lesson two: We needed to redefine what equality looked like on a daily basis and how to function more as a cohesive team. Just to mention a couple.

Over the past couple of years we had established that he, as the HOH, would make a majority of the decisions financially and otherwise. Of course I spoke up when I felt it was really important, but being depressed regularly that didn’t happen very often. Not a lot of teamwork was really needed anyway, not the kind we needed in the last few weeks. I had been the heart of the house and working my forty hours plus a week. J was the primary bread winner and made sure we stayed a-float and in the middle we lived a somewhat stress free life. I am glad I am back on my feet and hope to stay here, but this means that J and I need to figure out how to restructure our relationship so that we are better able to blend our strengths. With all this discussion going on between the two of us I stopped feeling a need for DD and the way things were going it didn’t seem as if we were going to need it. Unfortunately as this last week has pasted I was still struggling to deal with ebbs and flows of J’s emotions which has kept me on guard and made it hard for me to connect with him. We talked and talked and DD was never brought up or crossed my mind and then after a huge screaming match, something we don’t due often, he made the proclamation that he was taking his house back. My inner goddess pouted. My not so inner goddesses wheels began to turn to figure out how he was going to do this and still leave this new found strength of mine in tact. The days past and we rubbed each other a little, but nothing to major. J started to drop a hint here and there that he would be taking care of my attitude or mood. I didn’t pay to much attention after all I was feeling as if I was in the right…..then it happened I crossed the line. My stress levels of not being employed had reached a crescendo. Oh yah, I forgot to mention that because this deal was signed and things were moving right along I resigned from my job. A good stable not going anywhere kind of position. J told me not to stress and just “”Be Still. Be still I screamed in my head! I began to spiral and J decided it was time to bring me back into balance.

Very sternly, but kindly he let me know that a session was coming and yesterday it did. He came in from the night shift to find me still in bed. He crawled in next to me, put his arm around me, told me he loved me, and we just snuggled and talked. This felt so very nice and it seemed like we hadn’t done this in so long that one thing began to lead to the next and then he asked if I wanted to make love now or after my spanking. Did you hear the screaming breaks? I just did! My mood shifted and I opted for my spanking. It is amazing how quickly gears can change and the business side of my man can come out. He asked me to take off my clothes and explained why this was about to happen and that he was going to use both the belt and the switch. With a deep inhale and full exhale I pulled my night clothes off and moved my heavy legs off onto the floor and leaned over the bed and tried to prepare for the impending assault on my derriere.

J came around the bed and shared with me that he was going to give me a good warm up. A moment later down came the first swat of his hand on my backside and that familiar feeling of all my muscles tightening and rejecting what was happening rushed back to me. And he continued until he got to 30 and asked if I was ready for the belt. I responded honestly with a respectful, “No Sir”. But I could hear the jingle of the buckle anyway and I closed my eyes, strangled the bed covers between my fingers, and before another mental action could take place the sting arrived. He spoke to me of love and respect and I counted and tried to refrain from fleeing or guarding myself with my hand. Then as the repetition of swats neared the end the tears streamed down my face. He paused, rubbed my bottom gently, and reminded me how much he loved me. I relaxed and let my muscles release as I sobbed with relief. Then I felt him stand back up and his hand moved to the small of my back, again I stiffened, grabbed the covers and then the bite of switch came across my skin like a whip. I knew there were going to be 17 strikes, but by ten I was a puddle and he paused and consoled me while I remained in position. As I cried I was relieve he stopped and thought we were done, but within moments he was back on his feet to deliver the last seven.

I cried face down for a few moments and J rubbed my back and spoke lovingly to me. As what had just happened passed I could feel “it” happening. The walls had melted and I could feel the love J had for me. The stress poured out of me in the form of tears and then the desire for him to touch me and love me in that familiar traditional way of two bodies desiring to be one overwhelmed me. And we closed this crazy chapter of our story entangled in each other.

The next chapter promises to have a renewed sense of order with a sprinkle of self discovery.

A Laughing Matter...Really?

I know that is has been forever, but I am back to give this a go again and share an event that happened between J and me. I am hoping I will hear responses along the lines of: Yes, crazy but it happens.


J and I have been going through a lot lately, so much so that DD has been off the list of priorities for a while. I  have been okay with this because, as of late, I have felt strong and on top of things.  I kid you not it has been over a month and I haven't even worried about getting told to lean over the bed. Honestly, I can't remember what prompted my husband to decide it was time to take back the reigns, but he did. Well, , I would have to guess that it was my snarky humor and my attitude, humm it gets me every time! Seems I get this way when I am feeling good and when this happens dear ol' Hubby likes to remind me when I have crossed the line.


So, we will say it was my mouth that got me in trouble. I was told to go to the room and get into position. I did as I was asked. He met me in the bedroom and began the warm-up. I hate spankings in all forms particularly under the guise of a warm up, Ouch! When he was done with his 20 warm up swats he went for the paddle. He began and I yelped and he asked if I was complaining, best response to this question is to lie and say, "No Sir", and I did just that. He continued and I stayed as still as I could and didn't complain anymore then he asked the one question that I absolutely cannot stand, "How many is that?". A couple things came to mind, "Ah, was I really suppose to be counting? and "Who the heck can count when their getting their arse tanned?!. Then I belted out, "21". I knew it was suppose to be 20 and I put my hand back and earned an extra so it seemed like a safe answer and honestly it felt like 21.  Hubby says, "Nice try" and I bust out laughing and then he was laughing. I thought I was in the clear, laughter is good right? Wrong! After he took a deep breath the conversation went along the lines of him telling me to bend over the bed again only this time his arm came across my waist and in no time there were no more giggles for yours truly. I counted and loudly  and he thought that was funny. When he was done with me not a hint of a giggle was left in me and my rear was nicely red to prove it. I almost forgot to mention that our brand new beautiful curly maple paddle got broken in the process. 


I learned my lesson, but I still have to wonder where in the world those spontaneous giggles come from and hope that they only happen again some place other than during discipline.

It all began on a Sunday...

It seems like a while since my last spanking...humm I must be good, NOT! We have both been tired and involved with all things related to a hectic busy life. All in all I thought things were going along pretty good until this past Sunday. We had a great conversation during our Sunday School Class and even had a few laughs in the car with the kids. When we got home we were going to participate in the simulcast from my previous church (he is baptist and I am inspired by Adam Hamilton the Minister from my previous, very non-baptist church).

The vision you should have at this point is five people moving quickly to find their seats to watch the sermon and one little one half naked running from his room, arms full of bath toys, to the bathroom. Then it begins. The Minister said something that J had to pipe in and say something about and I had to say, "I want us to treat this like church." J argued the point a little and I pouted a little and then the choir started to sing traditional hymns. I don't dig traditional hymns in fact I don't particularly did Christian music, some just not much. So, as I was saying the hymns begin and I get up to put a clear coat of nail polish on my nails at the kitchen table. I figured since nothing was going on and I was the only one taking this seriously I could paint fast and then they would be dry fast and viola, mult-tasked myself almost to my second coat on nail color that may or may not happen. BUT...NOOOO!.....J starts to argue with me about how I am not taking this seriously.

At this point my frustration level is rising and I am feeling a bit talked down to and I express to him that maybe we need to take this to the bedroom if he had anymore to say about the matter....duh! stupid move.

Reminder to self, spankings happen in the bedroom behind closed door when husband is unhappy....keep him in view of the family next time.

We storm to the bedroom and we express our points back and forth until he says, "That's enough! Over the bed!"

Note to self: Telling husband no your not going to punish me with the kids in the living won't work, damn!!

Over I go and WOW! that really hurt so up I came. 

His voice very clearly telling me that I wasn't done. 

Funny, I was!

Over again, and the solid swats landed on my jeaned behind.

I stood up (amazed he let me off that easy) he opened the door and we walked quietly back out to the living room. I sat my partially stingy rump on the couch and he snuggled next to me and we watched the sermon. 

Spankings on Sundays, no matter how light should be allowed! It was a bit distracting to have my buns burn and try to listen to the word.

Since all of this I have been a bit punchy. I don't think it has anything to do with how Sunday progressed, but I do seem to be flexing my not so submissive muscles and opinions and it has lead to some tension. Yesterday we got into and exchange of opposing opinions and don't you know he raised his voice, that earned me 10. Tonight I pushed all the wrong buttons and....yup....that earned me 10! so glad he didn't see what I threw when he left the room that would have earned me more.

GRRRR! PMS, all meat diet, not losing weight, and a general unrest.....could it be spring coming to the south? Whatever it is I really wish it would blow away these feelings of unrest and grow back my roots of my loving submissive side. 

That was Exactly his Plan...ugh...Ouch!

It's been an emotionally exhausting couple of days.

I don't normally get too excited over news from the doc because I am more of a natural kind-a-girl. Believe the body will heal its self-kind-of-person herbs, good old fashion diet and exercise etc.This wasn't the case with this past visit, but now that I am a couple days away from the news and am feeling a bit more level headed and focused my mood is improving.

Of course my loving husband had a lot to do with the fact that I didn't completely melt down and hide in my shell. Although I did contemplate it.

I mentioned in my previous post that Hubby had sent all the boys to church and that was out of the norm for us. My suspicions were correct, he had every intention of spanking me. When he woke up I was told that I needed some stress relief and that I needed to move to the end of the chaise.

As much as I knew I needed this I was feeling fiery and knew that this was not going to go well. I asked if he would consider another time.....NOPE....So, I  acquiesced to his request. He was holding the dreaded wooden spoon, his favorite of implements right now. And it started...and I had no pain tolerance at all. I requested a warm up and he agreed, but he was back to tanning my backside in no time. I wasn't taking this very well and I was trying to stay still, but instead it was more of a wrestling match. Not good for me, Hubby is a big guy.

At the point that I had slipped off the chaise onto my bottom I tried to recenter and start over, but it just hurt worse than normal. He finally got to a place, I suppose, that he felt we were done and then I opened my big mouth. I started griping about why I was so upset, little stuff, and I started to get a bit indignant.

He has this way of looking at me and knowing exactly where I am. He did it this night too. A good look into my eyes and a patient ear he decided I wasn't were I needed to be. He requested that I get back on my knees and get into position. I did hotly! And so, he made sure that the heat from my attitude was moved to my bum. I resisted with all I had and this time he decided that the thighs were okay to warn as well as the bottom of my feet because they were in the way. And it went on until I had no more fight. This has never happened to me, lost my fight. And I am beginning to think he's reading up on spanking because he had some techniques he's never used before....grrr!

Embarrassingly, when he finally let me up I threw my self down in the, gotta protect my bottom pose, and kicked my legs like a little girl and then the tear poured out. If I had been a fly on the wall I would have been laughing hysterically at that girl, but instead I was balling my eyes out and trying to catch my breath.

Hubby held me until I was strong enough to let go of our embrace.

I was pretty upset for most of the night, but I was aptly refocused and was able to take care of my family the way I would have if I hadn't been in this tailspin. I got Hubby off to work and everyone off to bed and the next day arrived. To my surprise I was able to laugh at work and got a great deal of work done, YES!

I know I say that I have stopped trying to figure out why this spanking business works, but deep down I would still like to understand. I have to believe that it has a majority to do with the fact that the man spanking me truly loves me and wouldn't do this for us unless it brought harmony to our lives.

I feel very blessed.

Humm, This is Odd...

I got some bad news from the doctor yesterday that sent me into an emotional tailspin. The news was like anything other bad news that is health related is a process and mine consisted of shock, anger, and a lot of tears. Needless to say I wasn't on my best behavior, nor did I care. My husband did, but he let most of my withdrawing slide and my snippiness, until this morning.

I didn't intend to be grumpy or ugly this morning, but overall that is what happened. I guess I hadn't quite gotten to acceptance regarding my health. He sends the kids to the car and I don't take notice. Why? Because last night he was compassionate and loving and understanding. So, when he said we were going to take care of some business I was truly shocked. I was running almost late, still upset, dressed and had make-up on for work. I walked calmly into the bedroom and pleaded for him to spank me this evening. I was ready to cry right then. I was relived when he agreed that this evening I would be spanke.

I almost for got about this evening until my oldest said that Hubby had asked him to take our youngest to church tonight. Humm, this is unusual! My baby boy never goes to church. I could be reading into things, but I am not so sure that I am. I wake Hubby up in 15 minutes and I guess I will find out.

Only now I am back to raging a bit over the house and this and that and don't have any tears in the background. When I don't feel sorry, spankings are worse, and even though I respect what we have decided  I growl and fight, can't help it. Tough girl act.

Why is it is that we know its deserved, but we don't want it.

I'll let you know if he forgets or if I'm sitting gingerly.

I Have Never Felt So Loved...

My Husband woke up, pulled me close, and wrapped his arms around my body. He asked me if I was okay. I nodded, no. He kept me close. I could feel his beard on my shoulder, his breath on my cheek, and his love in his words. As I was feeling this abundance of love flow from him I was having emotions of hurt from last night. The hurt was swirling around my brain, my muscles, and my thoughts. I had my feelings hurt by our middle child. All the while I was trying to be the adult by convincing myself to rising above, but it wasn’t happening.

I rolled over and placed my arm around him and buried my head into his naked chest. He told me it was okay to cry, to just let it out, but nothing. The emotions weren’t coming to the surface they were being crammed and he and I both know what that leads too. He asked me if I wanted him to make love to me or did I need help to cry. He held me as I let the words sink in, no hurry. I quietly answered him with acknowledgement that if I stay where I am emotionally today I knew that it would ruin the day. I added that I didn’t want a spanking, but I knew I needed it. He kissed me.

As he slipped out of bed, I rolled onto my stomach. He reached over and pulled my panties down with care. He placed his hand on my exposed back. I could feel my bottled emotions and feared what was about to happen would be for not. And then I felt the spoon on my bottom. He rested it on my naked bottom then caressed my skin with the spoon and in what seemed slow motion it left my skin and returned with a sting. I exhaled and placed my hand on my backside. He asked me to move my hand. This was not like any spanking he has ever given me. This spanking was full of a powerful love, a love I think I hold at a distance sometimes. Again, patiently he placed the wood on my body and then the caress and lastly the sting. My emotions were not surfacing and he repeated this act of love again, and again. Finally, I was able to let go.

The tears came from deep down. The spoon was replaced with a caressing hand and sweet whispers that it was okay.  He cooled my smarting bottom with lotion then we slipped back under the covers with my tissue in hand. He asked me why I was taking our middle child's spankings. He reminded me that he spanks me because he loves me and can see me getting stronger. I reacted confused, stronger? Really? He confirmed that I was not just seeing what he was seeing, but that I was beginning to stand up and holding him accountable. This was the first time in the last couple weeks that he shared his appreciation for my new found strength. This whole time I thought he was frustrated and angry with me, but in truth he was listening to me and sorting through what I was expressing. The tears slowed and I felt a little stronger.

As I am sharing this I feel strong enough to be the parent I need to be with love not hurt feelings. I am grateful beyond words for my Husbands love. The emotions aren’t bottled inside any longer they have been transformed into positive energy and I think I am ready to take on today.

Today we talk as a family about our goals for the New Year, I feel good knowing I will be able to do this with positive emotions backed with love and appreciation, not hurt, anger and sadness.

I’ve decided that I am not going to take a step back by sharing my previous days of spankings. I am going to stay focused on the future. I hope that means fewer spankings, but if I am spanked I know they will keep me focused on my goals and I will accept them, after the fact, with grace. As my Hubby likes to remind me, I just can’t stay out of trouble.

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This is No Laughing Matter...

I have to be honest, I have received so many spankings over the last few days it’s getting hard to keep track of each situation, but I will save those recollections for another entry.

I admit to having done nothing except surfing the web all day. Yes! So nice to relax in my own home! Did I forget to mention that I am on Christmas vacation and don’t have my two youngest kiddos.

Honestly, it was not my plan to park myself on the couch at Noon and not move again until after 5:30pm. Between blogging, pinning and getting caught up in the web and being cuddled up in a comfy blanket on my cushy chaise, well, I completely lost track of time. Oops! I wouldn’t have even noticed the time if Hubby hadn’t woke up at 5:30 pm. He’s not suppose to be up until 6:30, but noooo, today he had to wonder into the living room right after stopping by the restroom and he just had to come sit down next to me on the couch. He snuggled next to me, laid his head on my shoulder. My thoughts, they immediately wondered to the fact that no dishes had been washed, no laundry had been started and no presents had been wrapped.  

As he sat down next to me and I immediately got the giggles. Why? Maybe it was nervous laughter or maybe it was just excess energy from sitting still for so long and then actually reaching a happy comfortable place in my soul, regardless, this is how it manifested itself. He asks, “Have you been pinning all day?” (Pintest.com, my latest addiction.)

“No, I did some research for a couple hours and just got back to pinning.”

He says, “Its okay you haven’t taken a day to yourself since the kids left, but you do have plans for tomorrow don’t you?”

Wasn’t that sweet…darn, even his kindness didn’t squelch the giggles and I responded, “Of course, big plans, huge plans, ginormous plans!” Laugh, Laugh, Giggle, Giggle. At which point he gives me a curious look and gets up to get ready for work. I get up and start the dishes and pack him a lunch. Hubby works nights.

With my hands in sudsy water in my great new pink rubber gloves, Hubby wanders into the kitchen. I smile, he smiles then he utters the dreaded, “Did you take you medicine?”

Then I react, “F***!”

“Okay, that’s it, in the bedroom,” he commands.

“But, I just started the dishes and I am in such a good mood, please not tonight. I am sorry.” The whole time I am trying to keep a straight face and not doing such a good job of it. I just couldn’t stop laughing.

He responds, “You are in a good mood, but I don’t have time for this, ONE!, TWO!”

I pull my pink gloves with cherry blossoms off. In a huff I walk past him toward the bedroom. Hubby is right on my heels! He grabs the wooden spoon from the dresser; I look him right in the eyes, bat my eye lashes intensely then break out in hysterical laughter. He starting to crack, he’s smiling, almost laughing and I say, “You can’t spank me if you’re laughing.” Hee hee, ha ha, I bury my head into his chest in a pleading manner. This is sure to convince him this is not a good idea tonight. What does he do? He closes his eyes, takes a deep breathe, tries to put a serious look on his face and says, “Bend over the bed!”

“Fine!” Flop, I throw myself over the edge of the bed.

Whap! Whap! Whap! Ouch! Giggle, Giggle, Whap! Whap! Okay, that was 5, I stand up. He looks me in the eyes. I am now, half bend over with laughter and he says, “You think this is funny? Bend over!”

“No! I am sorry.” I feel his strong hand direct me back to the bed. I give in.

In my head, “Please, stop laughing!”

Over I go, a little tamer than the first time, but not by much. Then he reminds me why I am here and drives home the point that this is no laughing matter by tanning my backside with a bit more gusto than the first go round. After the second swat I wasn’t laughing any more, by the third I was really sorry, but that didn’t change the fact that the count had already doubled. Grr!

When it was all over I took my extra deep breathes before I stood back up, as I usually do. Then I turned around and we hugged. I expressed that I was indeed sorry. He told me all was forgiven, but that 2012 is going to be a different year for us. “Isn’t that right?” I nod, “Yes Sir.”

Since then he has made good on the 2012 promise, but more on that later.